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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

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People are difficult–they require a lot of focus–to have to strain my mind to understand them–They, uh–they have like an invisible– read them sign and I haven’t quite figured out how to–I mean. I dunno. People are too–complicated. I just need to get away😔

Sorry, I’m out of order but I’m on my way to fixing myself

From the second I knew you, I could tell that there was something about you that had me hooked, simply by the sound of your voice . I connected with you so easily and quickly. That spoke mountains to me, for me to be able to open up to you and talk to you the way I did. I knew we would be something. Something beautiful and disastrous, something weird and amazing, something worth fighting for, something worth holding on to and we had that. It was multifaceted and explicit and pure and real and addictive. We had our issues but we also had each other.

We invested our emotions, our thoughts, and our time in us. I know that that that brought us happiness.I know that I made you as happy as you made me in the short time we were together. We weren’t boring or perfect. We were crazy and broken and we somehow found a way to make that work, hell I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did. I hope that when you look back at us, that you smile and are grateful for the time spent.

Looking back, I am not mad or upset. I do not hate you or wish you the worst. I am very proud of you for realizing that you needed to do what was best for you and at that time in life that wasn’t me. I am only sorry that I couldn’t do more for you. But whatever you set out to do in this life, I wish you nothing but the best. I wish you forever of happiness and laughter. And I wish that you accomplish all of the dreams you set for
yourself.

You know as well as I do that you’ll miss my texts, my calls, my insecurities, my mood swings, my arguments and my silly questions and conversations but now I gotta fix myself up for real.

Just wondering

#lovesick #heart-catalog

Can you feel me thinking about you?

Maybe wish you’d fought harder? Or atleast given yourself a reason to stay?

Do you miss me like I miss you?

When you are alone, do you think about me?

Do you think about me when you lie awake at 3am?

Do you even remember what I sound like when I’m ecstatic?

When nobody understands you or even cares to, do you wish to talk to me?

When you’ve thought of nothing but giving up, do you wonder what I would say to you if you came to me?

When you sad and dousing yourself to sleep, do you think of me?

When perfect comes on the radio, do you think of me?

Do you think of me when you see someone that isn’t as tall as you are?

When someone in a suit walks by, do you remember me endlessly talking about my love for its perfection?

Do you think of me when an episode of supernatural comes on the TV?

Do you think of me when quotes about whatever pops up on your feed?

When you eat your breakfast, do you wonder if I’ve eaten?

Do you wish we were back in each other’s lives like nothing ever happened?

Can what’s been done to us be undone?

Would you even consider fixing us?

Do you still love my laugh?

When you pause for a second from whatever it is you doing, do you let thoughts of me wander into your mind?

Do you think, maybe we could have done better?

Who is your second favorite girl in the world now?

Do you get nervous when an unknown caller rings you? Deliriously anxious, wondering if it’s me on the other end?

Do you even regret not trusting me?

Do you wish we tried harder?

Are you really better off with me gone?

Do you still hate avocado’s?

What’s your favorite breakfast?

You ever want to have a legit conversation with me? Like what happened to us?

Do you miss me when you least expect it?

Do you check to see if I’m online? My last seen maybe?

Did you start calling someone else the nick you had for me?

Did you think about calling me once, since then?

Who do send good morning text(s) now?

Why does it feel like you’ve forgotten about me?

Who do you send your favorite songs now?

Do you think of me when you wake up in the morning and realize that I’m no longer a part of your life?

Am I as easy to forget as it seems?

Does your heart pound when you are reminded of me?

Does it take all your strength to stop you from telling me you still care?

Do you think what we had mattered? Was it real?

Can I call?

Now I’m standing back from it

I saw a recent picture of my first love and I just, kinda flipped. The first thought I had was thank God that’s over.

What happened between us was unfortunate, a terrible breakup, a situation we both created but one only he got reprimanded for. He started pulling away and I couldn’t see it then why he did and I wasn’t exactly patient with him. When I figured out why, it was too late and at the time I regretted my decision–I hated what I’d done and I wished I could take it all back. I’m just really glad we broke up and if I had to do it all over, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Would you get back with him, if he were to come looking to get back together is one question I detest with all of my being. Not the question itself, not really but how often I get asked and by the same people, it’s cliché. I get that they want to know if I’m completely over him considering how completely I was into him but it’s not fair to me or he himself. He probably doesn’t even know how often people mention his name in regards to me and our relationship, I wish they would just stop. How over I am Peter, is so thorough that I sometimes doubt I even really loved him, but the memories of our relationship seems to still shadow my entire love life, like it revolves around him still– it’s unsettling.

Peter is a great guy and the girl he gets with will be one lucky babe but she ain’t gonna be me. I mean he’s a bit shorter and a lot fatter and his complexion is an extremely dark hue, and his text game is so off. He doesn’t understand sarcasm, can’t take a joke and is extremely uptight. He needs to loosen up. I wonder what happened to him.

I Want To Learn To Live Again

#blogging

It’s no fun, my life. I barely have any friends, I hate to hang out. I’ve learnt to detach emotionally, so hard that it feels impossible to get attached to anything, or anybody. It’s no kidding, that to keep my heart from breaking, I have had to build walls and they’re easier to build than they are to take down and I am scared.

I don’t want my past relationships to define every single aspect of my life. I don’t want to fear love cause when you love someone and they stop loving or don’t love you back, it hurts. I don’t want to always cancel plans because I’m scared of being taken advantage of, again. I don’t want to have to fake a smile, and laugh so hard it hurts because I don’t want people figuring out just how sad and depressed I really am.

I want to be in love with someone who is equally in love with me, and I don’t want it to just be love. I want us to be best friends that adore and respect each other and to fit like puzzle pieces. I want someone to be obnoxious with when we together and to not care about how it looks. Someone I can constantly share meme(s) with.

I want to take a walk on the wild side and learn to live again.

You can’t not text me

I don’t like calls, they get under my skin, probably because my voice gets really shrill. That and the sound of the human voice does something to a person’s soul. Don’t call me.

It’s even worse when you call more than twice, like I’m not with your spinal cord. I haven’t had a ringtone since the dark ages of the 80’s and my notifications are off so calling me more than once is basically a waste of both our time so if you someone I want to talk to, and I see the call, I’ll take it or I’ll call back if I don’t see it–if I don’t want to talk to you, I’ll watch my phone as many times as you call. And I won’t call back.

I can watch my phone, I actually do watch my phone ring and wait for it to stop so I can text the person and ask them what they wanted. Calling me gets me in weird zones like ughhh, that is so 1990 or what the hell is that.

But don’t fucking forget to text.

It’s a given, whether we playing, dating, just talking or whatever–you have to text me. I don’t care if it sounds cheesy or makes me look weak, just text me. I like texts, it keeps what I say way more organized and I can reflect before hitting send. I love being sent meme’s and people being like this is you or this made me think of you. Even though it’s roasting me(smh). Like thank you for thinking of me and actually texting. 😘

I made up scenarios in my head and hurt my own feelings

#night #sleep #feelings

At night, I don’t always follow my sleep schedule. I ignore it and actually choose to run through traumatic thoughts and what I would do in unlikely scenarios. In my head, I don’t lose arguments–I basically always win and when it feels like I’m gonna lose, I just stop thinking about it but I tried giving it a shot yesterday and losing actually hurts. I had a bad feeling about it, a feeling so bad it had to have meant something, something bad and I still went through with it. To reminisce on past experiences and what I could have done……..

I am a prisoner of my own feelings. It is not that I am guilty of something but this is what I am in. It’s always hard to express my feelings because this dark confusion of mixed-emotions keeps on blocking me. Most people don’t understand me and I don’t blame them, it’s how it is. I’m hiding behind a mask. I don’t find it wise to show how I really feel. I am so hurt deep inside and no words can explain this paragraph of feelings and pain. Life has shifted me to another level where there’s no food for the heart. I used to think I have got this under control but now it’s revealing itself and I’m crushed, big time. Every day is a new day, but to me I still feel like it’s a day from the past. I don’t know how and who to tell this, because other people pretend to care but deep down they don’t.