I have waited. Hoped. Wanted. A reconciliation! For him to try, one more time. Give it his all, for him to know that I care! But today, I don’t. I don’t want him anymore. I might need him or not even but I do not want him anymore. I admired a lot of things about him. He never did curse*maybe I ignorantly thought that but today, he did and the faults I could never see before, I saw. This part of him, cursing openly, he isn’t the person I thought he was. And me. I give it up, I gave it all I got but it didn’t quite cut it and I will only ever sigh a sigh of relief from this point on.
I am happy I knew him, and a love that I didn’t know I had in me. Admittedly, I am not quite sure what I’ve got to do here without thoughts of him fueling my mind, incentivizing me. But I would most certainly let this blog and my diary come to an abrupt stop, it is either that or I wallow in the pain of it all. I can only endure a certain amount of pain from one person, this–this has crossed that line–crossed it? It has obliterated the line. I cannot take any more–I have hope, sooner or later, he is going to have to stop deluding himself–thinking he won’t get that emotional breakdown he just cannot afford–and when it hits him–I’ll be anything but in love with him. I cannot hope to move past my feelings for him when all I do is make their presence known to myself everyday.
He might take pleasure in the pain he is feeling as justification for what he’s done to us, but I have not run from my pain–the pain that has shredded the whole of my heart–heart! How particularly irrational that sounds–I would do be dead if that were the case–but I have felt it–tearing through me–I often wondered how something so abstract could hurt so much–and even though I haven’t gotten a satisfactory answer yet. Over the last couple of weeks, when I never got that text or call, I stopped feeling like I needed him so much–wont be long now–and when the last thought of him comes and goes–and stays gone–He won’t matter anymore–I mean, of course he will, just–just not to me.