The art of self expression(20-09-2018)

He smiled,

I thought I saw a star wink,

His dentition is perfect

His eyes, dinky and sparkly

He looks macho,

His strides, as elegant as a unicorn’s,

Nothing breathes sexy like a confident man!

I feel something in my gut!

What is it?

Ah! Butterflies.

That can’t be good.

I love the creatures of nature…

…but I know I have to squeeze the life out of these ones,

Or at least, lock them out!

I have felt this way before,

A feeling that left me desolate in the end,

An inconsolable mess I was.

I want to resist,

I can’t!

It’s like the high,

My own personal brand of heroine,

I can’t get enough

And I never want it to end.

I guess I’m really doing this,

Giving him the power to destroy me,

And trusting he won’t in the long run.

Trust! A very stupid and abstract thing!

That I keep doing.

Is this what love is?

The trust you put in someone else?

That surpasses any and everything,

That breaks rules and laws!

Is he that person for me?

Is he worth the pain that comes with?

I can’t tell,

But there he is!

Right in front of me.

Waiting to be held,

A leap of faith,

I must now take.

WhinneyEndoni

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Meaningful conversations, with sex on the side

This guy that had been on my back about going out with me suddenly says “okay fine, if you don’t want to go out with me that’s fine, but let’s just be friends with benefits, let’s have casual sex and just be friends”. I was irritated at the notion but what really upset me was that he said “it’s not like you haven’t done it before”.

I know, the least three out of five guys I know want to sleep with me and I get all kinds of offers. From “friends with benefits” to “one night, or day stand” but I simply cannot let this go.

I’m not a virgin.

But that does not mean I walk into a bar, chitchat about nothing for an hour, and then go back to a guy’s place without learning his middle name. Or text back and forth for weeks, repeating the same empty conversations, and then meet at his apartment to silently watch Netflix before making out.

And I’m not saying I never want to have sex. I’m saying I never want to have sex with someone I barely know. Someone who considers me a warm body and not much else.

Sex is supposed to feel meaningful and emotional. That doesn’t mean I’m holding out for someone who I can only imagine marrying. I’m only holding out for someone who feels like more than a one-night stand.

Someone who makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me feel comfortable. I don’t want to meet someone new, hit it off at first, and then have them beg for nudes before they even hang out with me in person.

Or people who want to buy me a drink, ask for my phone number, or treat me with an ounce kindness and suddenly think I owe them my body.

I don’t like people who compliment me on my physical appearance without bothering to get to know the personality beneath the skin.

I prefer someone who cares about more than sex. Someone who will jump at the chance to see me, even if sex is off the table.

Yeah sex is cool but I don’t want that to be the only reason I’m stopping by your apartment. I don’t want you to kiss me hello, rip my clothes off, and then call an Uber. I don’t want to feel like you are using me for my body.

I want someone who will make me orgasm with their mouth and then spend the next three hours binge-watching investigative discovery with me. Someone who is able to create a balance between physical and
emotional intimacy.

I want to spend the day together. I want to grab dinner and swap school stories and cuddle once the sun falls. I want a relationship. A real one. A
serious one.

I am not a prude. But until I feel like I can trust you, I am not going to take my clothes off for you.

There is nothing wrong with casual sex if your heart can stand the temporary . Mine cannot.

I am not going to enjoy myself during sex unless I know there is going to be a next time. Unless I know you well enough to feel comfortable showing you every side of me.

Unless I know you are someone I can truly trust. I don’t want meaningless sex. I want meaningful conversations, with sex on the side.

You’ve aged❤

How you and I became friends still fucks with my head. I honestly didn’t think we’d last this long considering the circumstances surrounding our initial relationship. I thought that somewhere along the line we’d just part ways and not feel any qualm but we beat the odds. We held on and survived this long.

It’s the big 21. How exciting is that? I have so much to say, but I don’t know if I can condense it into one page of simple words. I sure am gonna try though.

I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done and still do for me. Accepting me and loving me for exactly who I am; I know it’s not easy. I am stubborn, moody and sometimes borderline crazy, but you have always accepted me for me. Sometimes I have wondered when you will finally move on to a new best friend; one who isn’t such a mess. To my astonishment, you never did.

I slowly let you in to my dark and twisty and showed you my demons. You trusted me enough to show me yourself in your most vulnerable light. We
bonded faster than either of us expected. We were once strangers but now consider each other family.

You have seen me at my lowest and never let it faze you. I don’t think I
could ever fully express how much you mean to me.

So you are like getting old? Don’t you go calling me a kid, I’ll bite your ear off(maybe just nibble on it and say ‘I love you’).

I know you don’t know where this new age will take you, but that won’t stop you. I hope this birthday is one where you smile a lot, learn a lot, and love a lot. I hope you discover something new and exciting, hold on to what you’ve always loved before, and find something unexpected that will amaze you like nothing else, because honestly those are the best surprises. Just remember to take me with you if you are jumping on that bus, train, or plane to explore, because you’re not getting away from me that easily.

Not going to lie, some things will change. Nothing can stay exactly the same forever. But there will always be one fan cheering you on, one person to laugh with who loves you unconditionally, and a sarcastic me to keep you in your place and support you to no end. You’re pretty darn awesome if I do say so myself.

Softie, I want you to know how important you really are to me. I know I don’t say it all the time, and it just seems like I don’t make my point clear enough. I can’t stress it enough to you that you really are my best friend.

You are something out of this world paul. You are one of the most intelligent young men I have ever met, not to mention sweet, kindhearted, happy, hilarious, loving, and absolutely handsome. You have a heart of gold and a personality that should be cherished and preserved in a
glass box.

You have such an amazing effect on me and my life daily. You make me laugh when I all I want to do is cry. Your smile is as contagious as the flu and whenever you’re sad I am too. You really are an absolutely incredible individual.

I have lost a lot in my life,including friends that I thought I would never lose, but I have you(even though you the most annoying person on the planet).

Thank you so much paul, for everything you do for me. I’m ridiculously lucky to have you and I can’t wait to see what our friendship brings in the future. I love you so much . I hope your birthday and every other day is
perfect. Best of luck in all that you do, and know that I am always here for you no matter what.

Happy 21 baby❤. I love you so fucking much…

Look at that beautiful face😖it’s a crime to be this good looking.

I’ll love you like this

Dear future love

I’ve been going on and on about how I want to be loved, now I want to let you know how I’ll love you. I’m not a kid, I know it’s not going to be all rainbows and unicorns and sunshine but still…

When I love, I love hard. I might lose myself along the way, but I won’t mind.

I will always remind you how blessed I am to have you. I will tell you how I love your not-so-pointed nose, your lips, your skin, all the things that you probably don’t like about yourself. We will argue about a lot of things.

How you don’t wanna be bossed around or told what to do, how you don’t like this or that, and I won’t kiss your ass. I never will. I will tell you when you’re wrong, when you’re doing things inappropriately, when you need to slow down. I will let you know that there are better ways to go about things than letting you curse and shout. I won’t let you think that you are always right. Because I love you. And as much as I want to please you, I won’t.

Love isn’t about glorifying everything that you do. I will love everything you hate about yourself until you learn to love them too, but I won’t let you be eaten by the idea that you are perfect. ‘Cause you ain’t and you don’t need to be.

I am willing to be a bitch on occasion for disagreeing with your crooked beliefs and ideas. Some nights, I’ll cry but that’s okay if that’s what it takes to make a better man out of you. It’s gonna be alright. Because I trust you. I trusted you the moment I knew we were meant to be. Love never gives up. And neither do I.

I will love you with the heart of a child so open and trusting. No expectations, just pure joy in being able to love you. I will love you with all of letting you wander free and become all that you aspire to be because in the space where all your dreams are fulfilled, I will find ultimate happiness.

I will love you with the simplicity of our baby girls heart. Conscious, humble, and never ostentatious because love doesn’t have to be complicated. It only needs to be true.

I will love you with the wonder and thrill of young love. Relationships can
be monotonous and dull over the years, everyone knows that , but I will always choose to see the beauty of us with the eyes that first fell in love with you all those years ago.

I will love you with the promise of a best friend’s loyalty making sure that
you know that I will always have your back and I am committed to put you first. I will forever be here to hold you, not only through the good times but more importantly through the bad times as well.

I will love you with the absolute certainty of a soul mate’s love. So intense
and undeniable. There never will be questions or doubt, only the feeling of finally belonging.

I will love you in all the ways that you have not been loved. It is a lofty
promise, but it is not an insurmountable one, it is something that will just flow like how we always will, easy and effortless.

I will love you in all the ways I’ve always dreamed of loving someone.
Selfless and with loving kindness. I will cherish you and be true to you cause I know that my heart could never lie to me much less to you. I will assure you every day so you will never have to wonder again.

I will love you with the promise of being the best person I can be, cause I know you deserve nothing less.

I will love you and all there is about you. I will love you in times when you are all put together, in times when the most beautiful side of you shows. When your heart knows nothing but happiness.

I’ll love when you smile and I’ll love how you do it. And I’ll love you when you are all broken inside.

I’ll love you when you are a mess, cause you’d be my mess. I’ll love you even when you wish I wasn’t there to see you in the state you are. I’ll love you when sadness is written all over your heart. Only then can I try to rewrite everything.

I’ll love your brokenness. And understand the darkest parts of your heart.
I won’t be the one to judge you, I’ll be the one who appreciates all that you are.

I’ll be the center that supports you. And I’ll be with you in every step of the way as you chase after your dreams. I want to be a part of your
dreams, to be the one who keeps reminding you of that which awaits you at the end of it all.

I’ll be a ray of hope for you. I’ll be a constant reminder of your might. I’ll be your shoulder to cry on when things go sour and I will never get tired of listening to your problems.

I’ll never betray or give up on you. I’ll be sure of my feelings for you. I won’t think that I love you, I’ll know that I do.

I’ll be by your side, despite the situation. I’ll love you when everything is okay and when everything is falling apart. I’ll always be there for you, for our love. I’ll be there when all is well and when things come crashing to the ground. I’ll be the one who when darkness strikes, you will scramble with in search of a way out.

I’ll be by your side when it all goes down. I’ll kiss you every day. I’ll kiss you like it’s my first time. I’ll give you chills and bring excitement in ways you can’t explain. I’ll be at a loss for words when I look in your beautiful eyes. I’ll be the one whose smile will say everything when I’m drowned in the beauty of your presence and the embrace of your heart.

I’ll be there it’s dark and cold. When you are all scared and shaken. I’ll be there to hold you, to look into your eyes and tell you that I’m scared for both of us. I’ll feel your pain like it’s mine. I’ll listen to the silent voices in your heart as you lay next to me. I’ll love you without any limits

I’ll love all of you. And I’ll know the tiny details of your everyday life. I’ll know who told you what, who made you feel what, what you saw on the way to work, and what you thought while you nibbled on the sandwich during lunch. I want you to share every single detail of your life, until it becomes mine. All of it, until it fills me up —my body, soul and mind.

Because we’re one.

How I knew I loved him

I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It didn’t matter if I were stuck in traffic or trying to fall asleep, or if I was supposed to be listening to my parents during a conversation. My thoughts kept trailing off towards other things. Towards that kiss we shared. Towards the text he sent me earlier in the morning. Towards the date we were planning to go on. He was always in the back (or the very front) of my mind.

I couldn’t stop talking about him. His name came out of my mouth every five seconds. I was sure my friends were tired of hearing about him, but I couldn’t help it. Every story involved him, because I was with him all the time. He was always by my side — and when he was not, I liked to pretend he was by reminiscing about the things we did together. Besides, we were so in love that I deserved to brag a little!

I couldn’t stop checking my messages. Whenever I heard a notification noise, my heart fluttered and I’d reach for my phone to see if he texted me back yet. And if it turned out that it was actually my friend who texted me, I was unreasonably annoyed with them for getting my hopes up. For making me think it would be his name on the screen.

I couldn’t stop touching him. It wasn’t sexual — but I always had to feel our bodies connecting. I was either holding his hand or leaning my head on his shoulder or pressing my lips against his. I was never a fan of PDA in the past, but then I didn’t care who saw us snogging. Their opinions didn’t matter.

I couldn’t stop daydreaming about our relationship. And imagining the wedding we’d have one day down the line. Or imagining what we’d do together later in the evening when we hung out again. Either way, I was always looking forward to something. I was always excited about what the future had in store for us.

I also couldn’t stop smiling. I walked around the house, humming. I sang sappy songs and smiled at strangers. Even when someone pissed me off, I was still happy because I knew I had someone to go home and vent to. I knew I had someone who would always be there to listen.

I always asked him questions. I wanted to know everything about him, from his favorite childhood memory to his worst high school memory and I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to share all there was to share. I wanted us to see each other’s hearts and souls.

I always said “I love you”. I used to be afraid of those three little words, but I said them once and I never wanted to stop saying them. I told him I love him before he goes to bed and before he left for school . And I
texted him I love him every chance I got. I could never express it enough.

That’s how I knew I loved him.

This is a bit unsettling to be honest

Earlier today I got my test scores back, I was so excited. So fricking happy that I passed the exam, I could have exploded.

My dad got back from work, I showed it to him and he crushed me.

“who said you could apply for history and international studies” he said and threw the paper at me.

My dad is a lawyer, and since I was little I thought of nothing else. I wanted nothing else. I was hell bent on studying law but when I applied for college, I thought “do I really want a career in law? Will that make me happy? Why do I even want to study law? Cause its what my parents always thought I’d study?.

I don’t want a career in law. I don’t even want history but it comes together with international studies and I can’t have it otherwise. And he’s telling me, I can’t even have this?

Am I supposed to study what he wants or what I want?. Is he gonna arrange my marriage for me too?

I never said I didn’t actually want to go to law school, I simply don’t want to spend my years in college studying what I don’t fancy.

What I want is a degree in international relations, masters in psychology and PhD in what I haven’t figured out yet and like my sister said, nobody gets to decide what I major in but me and if he’s angry, then he should stay angry.

I’m done holding back tears now so I’m going to call my mum and tell her that her husband is being mean to me. This ridiculous.

I failed to not be awesome

I don’t know what it is but I can’t really take tests. I’m smart but I don’t test well.

Couple weeks ago, I took an aptitude test(post utme — basic requirement to get into college in Nigeria) and I can’t say I was prepared for that exam.

I was so anxious, I couldn’t even study. I was panicking and I knew I was increasing my chances of failing by not studying, I knew that and I still couldn’t.

I finally got my test results back today and well, I smashed. Thank God.

I’m so happy, I can’t even begin to express how I feel right now.

Hopefully, I’ll get into college in a few months. Wish me luck.