When I say I love you

Dear future love

When I say I love you, it means that I treasure your heart. It means that I value you. And it means that I see a future with you. It’s not just three words to me.

When I say I love you, it means that I trust you with my whole soul. It means that you being happy, makes me happy. And it means that I would never ever want to do anything to hurt you.

So, when I say, I love you, please do not take it lightly.

For me, the word love holds weight. It means something to me. It means something more than I like you or, I have a crush on you.

To me, I love you, means that I see my universe pointed in your direction. It means that I recognize how lucky I am to have you. And when I say it to you, please remember it means that I always will. One way or another.

I don’t love lightly. I don’t love gently or softly. I love hard. Some may say I even love too much. But I would rather love hard any day than to take that sentence lightly. I would rather love too much, than to never love at all.

When I say I love you it means that no matter what, waking up to you would be my idea of the perfect morning. It means that no matter what, sleeping next to you would be my idea of a perfect night.

It means that I want to keep waking up to you, each and every morning. When I say I love you, it means that I can picture what a future looks like with you. And it means that I want one. With only you.

So, please, do not take those three words like a grain of salt. Don’t shrug at me, or smile a sly little smile. Acknowledge my love. Feel it. Accept it. And if you feel the same, than take my heart with yours.

When I say I love you, I mean it. I’m not saying it just to make you happy. I’m not saying it to be romantic. I’m not saying it because I feel like I have to, or because I feel like there’s a deadline I have to reach.

I love you means that I want to spend hours talking with you at midnight. It means that I want to grow old with you and still call you perfect even when your wrinkles start to show. It means that even if we end, my love won’t dim. My love for you will never end.

So when I say that to you, please believe me. And when you are ready to say it back to me, only say it when you truly mean it. Only say it when you believe in me too.

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Do you ever just love someone?

And when I say love, I don’t mean you want to kiss that someone. Love means you choose to kiss that someone’s lips and soul until you taste the blood of his veins then you kiss him deeper.

And when I say love, I don’t mean you want to hold his hand. Love means you choose to hold his hand, intertwine your fingers, and never let go until your hands become rough because you worked hard in sculpting each other’s faces in your memories.

And when I say love, I don’t mean you want to talk to him. Love means you choose to talk with him; you listen because words are engraved in our hearts and you value what he has to say because somewhere between the lines are underlying stories of who he is.

And when I say love, I don’t mean you want to go out with him. Love means you choose to go out with him because you think that time should be spent on people who are worthy to share your life with and he’s one of those people for you.

And when I say love, I don’t mean you want to make memories together. Love means you choose to make memories with him and no matter how hard the world tries to make the memories fade, you don’t let it happen; you choose to hold on to what you have went through with him.

And when I say love, I don’t mean you want to support him in his journey. Love means you choose to support him and you stand by him, despite the failure and success, because you have a clear understanding of who you love and it’s him, not his possessions.

And when I say love, I don’t mean you want to be with him. Love means you choose to be with him every single day; and the day can be good or bad but you don’t care because a day means being with him and that single fact makes everything bearable and fine.

And when I say love, I don’t only mean any of this. Love means having no words to explain just how much you mean to me and how much you make me ache inside. So no, I don’t think I just love someone. It’s more than love.

It will always be more than love and forgive me for not having the words to encompass my lack of words.

Bliss in Simplicity

The type of love that is summarized by a man ignoring your requests to please watch your favorite movie because you have begged him about a million times and characterized by a man who doesn’t show up to events that are ever-so important to you but buys you a life-size teddy bear on your anniversary or buys you a Pandora bracelet for your birthday is not even a shallow type of love — it doesn’t even qualify as love.

Love is when a man remembers all the little things you love and does the simplest of things that actually mean so much more than a giant teddy bear.

He will insist on picking you up every single time, he will have ice-cream waiting for you when he picks you up and remembers every detail of your order — from how big to how the flavors you like.

He takes you to the movies to go watch that chick flick that you’ve been dying to see for a month. He will read your favorite book just because it means so much to you.

He will know you so well that he’ll know all of your insecurities and ease them with one compliment.

Every second of being with him will feel like you’re floating on a cloud, with sparks flying from your fingertips. Every kiss takes your breath away and every laugh you share makes you feel weightless.

If you don’t feel like you’re soaring through the sky on a broomstick towards Hogwarts every second the two of you are together, then he is not the love you deserve.

Magic is not in extravagant gifts; magic is in true love. And true love stems from friendship. Your true love will become your best friend, the best friend who will go out of his way to give you butterflies in the smallest ways.

Hopeless Romantic

When I say those words, some of you may think of unrealistic expectations, too high of standards, or perhaps, someone whom is just flat out delirious.

But if you’re like me, and the deepest part of you still longs for that novelty true romance, well this is for you because us “hopeless romantics” shall remain hopeful.

We are the ones who above all else, believe in the good in people and in the four-letter word we call ‘love’. Optimism is our virtue when it comes to love, regardless of what we have endured in our past. We try to seek out the positives and chase not just fantasy, but something that will create a partner for life. Seeking out more than just a cheesy game or flirt and chase, and boy meets girl.

To us this is real; we don’t take love or our hearts for granted and we yearn for a romance that would make love proud.

It’s a shame, that some people grow up believing that wearing your heart on your sleeve makes you weak, or even worse – embarrassing. Well, to all of the “too-tough-for-love” folks, love is a basic human need and desire and if craving a romantic and an intentional connection makes us lame in your eyes, then damn—I feel sorry for you.

Everyone has a little hopeless romantic in them . Yet, its so barricaded by society, as we live in this fast paced, emotionless world it feels more of a second thought than a necessity. We are told we must hook-up to gain interest, play the game, like their pictures, or whatever else is standard in our modern day form of courting.

But I think deep down, many of us still desire a man or woman to sweep us off our feet with a thoughtful or sweet gesture – not just a series of likes on our photos.

It’s beautiful to me, a human who can equally crave giving love as much as they do receiving love.

Don’t settle for anything less than something that makes your heart beat.

Don’t settle for that half-hearted stuff. Don’t waste your time or your years on something that doesn’t feel right. Love is the most powerful feeling humans can generate. It lifts us ups, it brings us down, and it makes us do all the crazy things in the world just to be with that person.

Continue being the hopeless romantic that you are. There is nothing cheesy about demanding the best.

Moving forward

I wish I was the kind of person who could go with the flow. I wish I was laidback. I wish I was chill. But those words are never going to describe me.

I can’t send a text without overthinking. It takes me twenty minutes to compose a message that should have taken two seconds.

I will brainstorm ideas, write sample sentences in the notes app on my phone so the other person does not see typing appearing and disappearing for large chunks of time, and then wonder whether I should have said something completely different the second I press send.

Conversations are not any easier on me through text than over the phone or face-to-face. I struggle regardless. I am awkward, no matter what the situation entails.

I can’t leave the house without overthinking. Every time someone glances in my direction, I will wonder if they are judging me. I will analyze their smiles and their stares, trying to work out whether they are acting friendly towards me or making fun of me. When strangers laugh, I wonder whether they are laughing at me.

I can’t look in the mirror without overthinking. I will try on twenty different combinations of shirts and jeans and still won’t be able to pick one I find acceptable.

I second guess everything I do, from the way I style my hair to the shoes I slip onto my feet. It takes me at least an hour to get ready to leave the house because I could never throw on the first thing I find.

I can’t make a decision without overthinking — even if that decision is small. I will struggle to choose which snack to steal in the middle of the night. I will go back and forth between what music I want to play. I will have no idea what to say when someone asks me to pick the restaurant or the time to meet up.

I can’t go through my day without overthinking and my storm of thoughts are slowly driving me insane. They are making my days much harder than they need to be.

I am never able to enjoy the moment because I am either worrying about something that happened to me in the past or something that might happen to me in the future. I am never locked into the present. But that is going to change.

Moving forward, I am going to try my best to act more adventurous. I am going to stop worrying so deeply. I am going to become more comfortable with the unknown.

Making such a large adjustment is not going to be easy. I am sure to stumble and have setbacks along the way, but I am not going to give up on myself. Changing my mindset is worth the effort. It is worth the energy. Besides, every baby step counts.

One for the road

Stop fighting for their attention. Stop posting pictures with the hope they will realize how pretty or handsome you are. Stop forcing conversations with the hope they will realize how much fun you are.

Stop throwing yourself at them when they have not been showing anywhere near the same amount of interest.

You do not want to end up in a one-sided relationship where you are stuck doing all of the work. You are not meant to convince someone of your worth.

The right person for you will see how beautiful and intelligent and strong you are from the start. You won’t need to spell it out for them. They will know you are worthy of their time. They will know you are someone special. They will see that on their own.

Stop clearing your schedule when a certain someone mentions they are free that night. Stop sending the first text and complimenting them on how attractive they are and buying them cute little gifts to make them like you back.

Stop giving them every little piece of yourself when they clearly do not appreciate your offers.

You are not supposed to try this hard to get them. Earning their attention is not supposed to be this complicated.

If they wanted you as much as you wanted them, then the playing ground would be leveled. You wouldn’t be planning out conversation starters and staring at your phone every night, wondering whether it’s too soon to text them again when they haven’t answered you back the first time.

You wouldn’t be carrying the bulk of the relationship. You wouldn’t be the only one willing to exert effort.

Once you find your forever person, everything will be different. They will text you first thing in the morning. They will return your compliments.

They will schedule dates with you ahead of time so you don’t end up ditching your friends at the last second to see them.

You won’t have to fight for their attention. You won’t have to nudge your way into their world.

Even when they are out with their friends and have every right to be distracted, you will remain on their mind. They will never stop thinking about you, never stop caring about you.

If you have to fight for attention from someone, then you should give up on them. Walk away. Or at least remain silent and see what happens. Stop sending the first text. Stop asking them to hang out. Stop liking their photos and leaving comments beneath their statuses.

When they do not reach out to you, when they prove you have been the only one keeping the relationship afloat, you will realize how little you mean to them.

You will see how long they can go without talking to you. You will have evidence you were always the one who cared more.

Remember that you should never have to fight for love or respect or attention. Your forever person will give you all of those things without being asked.

The paranoia

7:44AM

It ain’t matter who it is. It ain’t matter the time of day.

There is something about texting and delays, I just can’t deal with sometimes. It’s an irking pet peeve.

Maybe it’s anxiety. Maybe I’m nuts.
I don’t know what it is? I don’t know why I can’t control it?

But every time there is a delay in conversation my first thought is I’ve said something wrong or done something.
I immediately jump to ten million conclusions of why the other person on that end isn’t answering. Most come down to me.

I create problems in my own head. I drive myself crazy. I look too frequently at my phone and jump at any movement.

The logical part of my brain says, ‘not everyone has their phones on them all the time like you.’ Or ‘maybe they are working and busy.’ ‘Maybe they are taking a shower or on the phone.’

The irrational part of my brain tells me the person is mad or annoyed or trying to irritate you by not answering. The irrational part of my brain says they don’t want to talk to you, they want nothing to do with you. It says everyone has their phone on them these days.

Next thing I know I’m checking every one of their social media platforms to see activity in the event they are ignoring me.

Honestly, there’s too much. Instagram. Telegram. Twitter. (Do people even communicate through twitter anymore?). InstaStories. InstaMessager.

There’s something that really grinds my gears about a person who ignores your text but then likes your insta. There’s something really annoying about someone who will look at your status update and not respond to your text.

The person who you know has their phone on them always but isn’t answering. The game of social media and the impact it has on people like me makes me feel crazy.

Whether the person’s intentions are melodious or not, my paranoid ass comes up with every worst case scenario.

And every time I’m contemplating sending a double text, knowing very well I shouldn’t.

And if it’s someone who isn’t impacted by multiple lengthy texts, they will come back to their phone with a novel written, that’ll take them approximately 7 minutes to read.

I analyze the length of texts and overanalyze every chosen word. I reread shit I’ve said more than once. I think way too much. But the root of it is caring.

I care a lot about what people think. I care a lot about saying the wrong things. Or saying too much.

And maybe I answer texts too quickly. Maybe I don’t play that texting game you’re supposed to when talking to someone.

Maybe I do everything wrong. But if the worst thing someone could say about me are my texting and social media habits and the fact that I care, maybe I’m not as bad as I think I am.

But to all those people who answer back quickly, who provide explanations for delays, deal with the long texts and tags completely accepting it and care to hold a conversation where it isn’t just me asking questions, you are the real MVP.

And whilst someone is ignoring me, I’m ignoring someone and they’re ignoring someone too so I guess it ain’t really anything personal.