First impressions

Everybody is different, but when it comes down to it, first impressions are really based off of whether you’re shy or not.

They say that you should never judge a book by its cover–regarding people,it’s especially true. In this case, the cover doesn’t necessarily
mean the appearance, but the first impression of another person. Like the cover of a book, first impressions are not always as appealing as what
is really on the book or who the person is . It’s really until after you start reading, or get to know a person–that you find out that what you see is not always what you get. There are several factors that can affect the first impression that one receives from another like differing personality, situations and presentation of a person make first impressions often the worst means of judging people. A person’s personality has a big effect on the first impression that they emit.

I met my best friend(ex) after moving during my senior year. Before I knew her, she never said a word to me but was really an outgoing girl. I received the impression that she was kind of supercilious as I always really just kept to myself. I didn‘t talk to many people either because of my personality. I knew that I was a shy person and that after I get to know someone, I put down my front and show my true colors. When she started talking to me a little more each day in our last term in school, our friendship grew and I learned that she wasn’t odd at all–only I thought so because she was more openingly outgoing than I was. Some people are shy and put up a reserved and quiet front when facing new people. Based on my first impression of my friend, I thought something that was far from the truth. One who has a shy personality might in reality be outgoing, but uncomfortable showing it at first, making the first impression of that person a mistaken one.

Your first impression of someone is not suitable because you do not know of the situation they may be in. When seeing or meeting someone new,you have no idea the kind of day, difficulties or kind of disappointments that person may be experiencing. They may have had a rough morning or could be somewhere new and yet still have to deal with the routines and stresses of going through out their day. All of these situations can create a
barrier between themselves and others, and setting off a good impression is probably not at the top of their list of important things to do.

On my first day in a new school , I walked hurriedly to my class, even though I had plenty time to get there. When I walked into my class, the only thing on my mind was to find a seat right away, didn’t matter if it was by another person or not. When the time came to eat lunch, I sat by myself and ate it quickly so I could proceed to my next class. I was a nervous wreck because I was somewhere new. I was so worried about being late for a class, finding a seat and just doing things right, that I
didn’t have time to try to leave any good first impressions on any of my peers. It wasn’t even on my mind to do so. My peers received the impression that I was a nervous and not sociable person(that’d be an accurate impression of me now) when really I was acting the way I was because of the situation that I was in. The way someone presents themselves doesn’t always suit their personality and show who they are. Unfortunately one’s presentation is the first thing that others see, and the first thing that people are judged on. Some people look and dress a certain way either because they want to, or because they have to, based on their financial situation or to fulfill some type of status.

There are many factors that lead to someone’s first impression of another(sorry bout the cliché). Someone’s personality, current situation, or the way they happen to present themselves all influence the way someone thinks about a another when seeing or meeting them for the first time. Since what they think is based off of these judgments, their first impression is usually wrong. If all friendships were based upon first impressions, there would be a lot less of them in the world. First impressions are often the worst means of judging a person because you are better equipped to judge a person only after you get to really know a person–to understand what kind person they truly are, and really know the individual based on real values, rather than
their first impression or Book cover.

The cover we wear– our clothing, appearance or behaviour, can often misrepresent what actually lies between our pages. Tread cautiously.

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Missing part of my soul

I felt I could talk to him as I never could with anyone, as we didn’t just talk gossip or plans. I was always interested to know what he thought about things. He never did bore me.

I hadn’t thought. That was the trouble. I didn’t think. I just recklessly assumed. With the arrogance and stupidity of teens, and so I still find it hard at times to come to terms with the speed with which my life has changed so dramatically.

And all because of one thing. The one thing that is…

…why on earth can’t I stop thinking about him? Why am I driven by this self-destructive urge to link everything I’m doing with him?

why do I, to think…To want…to imagine. Okay, the sheer inappropriateness of my unwelcomed thoughts is simply appalling.

Last night, I felt myself tensing. Outwardly and inwardly, as though I was trying to lock out my thoughts and feelings–and not just lock them out, but to sqeeze the very life out of them as well. Because I am afraid of their continual existence. For centuries, out of ignorance and prejudice, man had sought to control what it feared by destroying it.

Am I doing the same? Am I really afraid of the effect he is having on me? Then why am I so reluctant to accept the fact that he doesn’t want me or love me. If I am so scared, our separation should make me feel anything but qualm and regret.

But What was the point doing it? Emailing him?. It was over between us, whatever it was. So over that there hadn’t been a single night when I had not fallen asleep thinking of him, nor a single day that hadn’t been shadowed by my bitter and dazed pain? Just how over was that?

I was trying really hard not to read his messages, I didn’t even know when I unarchived it but I had and like pandora with the lid of the box lifted, I was unable to control my own curiosity to see what lay inside. Intellectual stimulation–What we shared, not love, not tenderness and most certainly not the kind of almost spiritual bond I had stupidly deluded myself into thinking we had.

Love is, or should be, two halves of one whole. I know my own half for what it is, but only he knows his. I had thought, mistakenly perhaps that his half matched mine in its absoluteness and constancy, because meeting him, has had a profound effect on me in more ways than one.

I have no idea what he is thinking and/or planning to do. And even less why I should be like this–trusting and hoping and something that comes perilously close to the love I had spent the last few months furiously denying existed.

“It isn’t as simple as that”, “I will find a way, I’m determined, I promise”.My heart missed a heavy beat as it clung desperately to the fragile hope of his words. I ached with a longing to be able to believe him, but I wasn’t going to let myself give in to that weakness.

Not a third time.”He might be manipulating your vulnerable emotions” I thought warily, because my sanity is all I have left. What am I gonna do, cause I tried to confront him, a ‘please choose your words carefully’ I got.

The shock of his concise answer slicing through me, snapping the chain with which I had been leashing my emotions. I could hardly think or reason logically for the pain that swamped me, what a fool I had been—to believe his lies about falling and being in love with me.

When I had told him that I spent about an hour thinking bout what I could have possibly done wrong for him to do what he was doing he called me a liar and nausea gripped my stomach, and a pain like none I had ever previously known tore at me, to escape from my own pain and his distrust, desperately trying to tell myself it couldn’t hurt that bad, it didn’t matter that much but it did and even more so than I had originally thunk, I gave up. Or atleast, I thought I had.

Penultimate chapter that is…………

I have waited. Hoped. Wanted. A reconciliation! For him to try, one more time. Give it his all, for him to know that I care! But today, I don’t. I don’t want him anymore. I might need him or not even but I do not want him anymore. I admired a lot of things about him. He never did curse*maybe I ignorantly thought that but today, he did and the faults I could never see before, I saw. This part of him, cursing openly, he isn’t the person I thought he was. And me. I give it up, I gave it all I got but it didn’t quite cut it and I will only ever sigh a sigh of relief from this point on.
I am happy I knew him, and a love that I didn’t know I had in me. Admittedly, I am not quite sure what I’ve got to do here without thoughts of him fueling my mind, incentivizing me. But I would most certainly let this blog and my diary come to an abrupt stop, it is either that or I wallow in the pain of it all. I can only endure a certain amount of pain from one person, this–this has crossed that line–crossed it? It has obliterated the line. I cannot take any more–I have hope, sooner or later, he is going to have to stop deluding himself–thinking he won’t get that emotional breakdown he just cannot afford–and when it hits him–I’ll be anything but in love with him. I cannot hope to move past my feelings for him when all I do is make their presence known to myself everyday.
He might take pleasure in the pain he is feeling as justification for what he’s done to us, but I have not run from my pain–the pain that has shredded the whole of my heart–heart! How particularly irrational that sounds–I would do be dead if that were the case–but I have felt it–tearing through me–I often wondered how something so abstract could hurt so much–and even though I haven’t gotten a satisfactory answer yet. Over the last couple of weeks, when I never got that text or call, I stopped feeling like I needed him so much–wont be long now–and when the last thought of him comes and goes–and stays gone–He won’t matter anymore–I mean, of course he will, just–just not to me.