Once upon a memory

I went for a stroll, that inner voice in my head, reminding me of…… It’s curt images reminded me of how much I disliked and resented its arrogance. I have a lot of alone time, daddy goes to work, bewise to school and mummy, out, 97% of everybody I know, busy. Not that I minded, maybe a little bit. It was just the sight of so many people, hanging out and laughing that was making me aware of my loneliness, nothing personal. How could it be, I am determined not let down my emotional guard. Maybe, it was just the warmth of the sun, and the effect of the harmattan breeze that was giving me that inner feeling of sadness. Of course, If I were Talking to…. he’d tell me much more about his views on depression and pain. But, I determinedly reminded myself firmly of how the tension that somehow crept into even our most mundane conversational exchange made me feel on edge —as though somehow I was on a constant adrenalin surge, my body wanting…. For what? For him to touch me? My thoughts were drifting down dangerous pathways, I warned myself. I tried to focus on the curve along the road, pausing to pick up my pen when it fell. I wondered if I could take Italian and Spanish classes when I start college, maybe add it to my future CV. That gave me something better to occupy my mind than those sensual longings that had begun to creep up on me so disturbingly. Of course he would be a good lover, I thought scathingly, I don’t need to experience his lovemaking firsthand to know that! Getting to the end of the road, I felt tired and thirsty. There is a supermarket at the side of the road, and it wouldn’t take me long to get there. When I got there, the place was crowded and I thought I wouldn’t get through, finally did few minutes later, I was just finishing the Coke I so wanted to drink when this handsome kid approached me, where I stood, back pressed a bit against the wall outside the supermarket. ‘hi, I’m sorry, he apologized, giving me a boldly flattering smile.’could you shift a bit? Only the sun is hot and….’. He was very good looking, and quite obviously an expert at recognizing solitary females, I reflected in rueful amusement as I looked at him. It was uh, how should I describe this, ‘an age long tableau playing itself out, young kids spending their days flirting with even younger, more gullible girls, so much so infact, that it is an accepted rite of passage that moved from the discreet pickups, via walks in the streets, to the speedy conclusion of sex, at a house the boy don’t even own. A younger me, that thought compliments were an important part of life, even though I ain’t ready to admit that to anybody would have no doubt fallen into this particular young kid’s hands like a ripe mango. It seemed as though, I was standing right where hookup lines were formed and most frequently used to utmost satisfaction, to my right, I noticed another girl, being openly responsive to her admirer, a much shorter and darker kid, tilting her head back to look up at him, no doubt smiling at him. How often had I seen that happen. ‘I was just about to leave so have the spot’, I told him, quite politely. ‘no–why don’t you stay, and allow me buy you another Coke?’ He suggested, leaning closer, his hand reaching to my arm. I jolted and moved almost immediately, shaking my head as I refused politely. ‘no thank you’. I could see the confusion and disbelief in his eyes and had to struggle not to laugh, he was very good looking and no doubt used to having his overtures met with far more acceptances than refusals. My body language made my feelings quite plain, and I could see from the sag of the guy’s shoulders that he was as aware as I was that he had been turned down. As I walked away, I turned back and saw him already eyeing up another girl, who, to judge from the way she was smiling back at him was rather more appreciative of his endeavors than I had been.

I’m pretty cool but I cry a lot.
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Synopsis of first impression(s)

Everybody is different, but when it comes down to it, first impressions are really based off of whether you’re shy or not.

They say that you should never judge a book by its cover–regarding people,it’s especially true. In this case, the cover doesn’t necessarily
mean the appearance, but the first impression of another person. Like the cover of a book, first impressions are not always as appealing as what
is really on the book or who the person is . It’s really until after you start reading, or get to know a person–that you find out that what you see is not always what you get. There are several factors that can affect the first impression that one receives from another like differing personality, situations and presentation of a person make first impressions often the worst means of judging people. A person’s personality has a big effect on the first impression that they emit.

I met my best friend(ex) after moving during my senior year. Before I knew her, she never said a word to me but was really an outgoing girl. I received the impression that she was kind of supercilious as I always really just kept to myself. I didn‘t talk to many people either because of my personality. I knew that I was a shy person and that after I get to know someone, I put down my front and show my true colors. When she started talking to me a little more each day in our last term in school, our friendship grew and I learned that she wasn’t odd at all–only I thought so because she was more openingly outgoing than I was. Some people are shy and put up a reserved and quiet front when facing new people. Based on my first impression of my friend, I thought something that was far from the truth. One who has a shy personality might in reality be outgoing, but uncomfortable showing it at first, making the first impression of that person a mistaken one.

Your first impression of someone is not suitable because you do not know of the situation they may be in. When seeing or meeting someone new,you have no idea the kind of day, difficulties or kind of disappointments that person may be experiencing. They may have had a rough morning or could be somewhere new and yet still have to deal with the routines and stresses of going through out their day. All of these situations can create a
barrier between themselves and others, and setting off a good impression is probably not at the top of their list of important things to do.

On my first day in a new school , I walked hurriedly to my class, even though I had plenty time to get there. When I walked into my class, the only thing on my mind was to find a seat right away, didn’t matter if it was by another person or not. When the time came to eat lunch, I sat by myself and ate it quickly so I could proceed to my next class. I was a nervous wreck because I was somewhere new. I was so worried about being late for a class, finding a seat and just doing things right, that I
didn’t have time to try to leave any good first impressions on any of my peers. It wasn’t even on my mind to do so. My peers received the impression that I was a nervous and not sociable person(that’d be an accurate impression of me now) when really I was acting the way I was because of the situation that I was in. The way someone presents themselves doesn’t always suit their personality and show who they are. Unfortunately one’s presentation is the first thing that others see, and the first thing that people are judged on. Some people look and dress a certain way either because they want to, or because they have to, based on their financial situation or to fulfill some type of status.

There are many factors that lead to someone’s first impression of another(sorry bout the cliché). Someone’s personality, current situation, or the way they happen to present themselves all influence the way someone thinks about a another when seeing or meeting them for the first time. Since what they think is based off of these judgments, their first impression is usually wrong. If all friendships were based upon first impressions, there would be a lot less of them in the world. First impressions are often the worst means of judging a person because you are better equipped to judge a person only after you get to really know a person–to understand what kind person they truly are, and really know the individual based on real values, rather than
their first impression or Book cover.

The cover we wear– our clothing, appearance or behaviour, can often misrepresent what actually lies between our pages. Tread cautiously.

Determination

What I need, at this point in my life is–is determination. Determination is what makes life successful and God of course. Without it I cannot not have the drive to achieve great things or better myself . My life is mine to control and to create whatever my heart desires, and determination will help me in doing so! By being determined, I am opening the door for a better tomorrow, future achievements and overall happiness in my life. I have come to understand that a determined person is generally optimistic as well, which is also a good trait to have. For as long as I can remember I haven’t been able to but–Being able to look past the shadow, to see the light so that I can get to where I want to be, is a very incredible skill–which I did not possess, well–until recently. I cannot be someone who lacks determination and have the mind-set to look for the bright side in things–admittedly that is why I settled for whatever I got. But Optimism plays a big role in improving, in allowing myself to know I can do better and actually doing it which is key in being determined. Priorities are a necessity for me, knowing the rank of importance in everything I’m doing. Prioritizing my life will help me keep my goals in check and–and make them easier to accomplish. All great achievers in life have made it where they are today due to their hard work,commitment and determination. I cannot simply wake up in the morning and accomplish life’s most rigorous task, but I can wake up and decide to work at it. Everything is a work in progress at some point, and with the strength of determination it becomes an achievement in time. Determination is the leading factor in success.

Without it, I may never reach my goals. I believe that if I want to succeed at achieving my goals I must have self-determination. Without it, when I reach an obstacle or something holds me back, I may quit and never get past that barrier. My family helps motivate me to try harder, but in the end I need to be the one to have the determination, drive and dedication to keep going and to continue fighting for my goals. Time and time again, it has been necessary for me to have strong will and determination. I have never been the type of student who wanted to go to school– study for the big test, or the student that got straight A’s– not having straight A’s didn’t stop me from being in the top 3 in my class even though I always had trouble in school–most especially with Maths– until now–the one thing I want right now is to get into college–have stellar grades–and to graduate with a first class honours degree. Luckily, I never let the thought of giving up or dropping out pass through my mind. However, I have had to face several obstacles in my school career. I have always had difficulty with reading. I have–I had been teased when it took me extra time to finish a test or when I had an assignment that I had to read aloud. I am quite shocked–ambivalent rather that I did not allow negative people to keep me from achieving my goals.

Many people in my life have influenced me to remain determined and stay on the right path to accomplish my goals. I have always been surrounded by strong, positive people. I strongly believe my self-determination comes from those people. My mom and my dad and my siblings are all positive, determined people. They have all achieved great things in their lives. Their accomplishments have required determination and hard work. They all believe in themselves and have set that example for me. They have always believed in my ability to succeed in school, even when I had my doubts. As a result, I never wanted to disappoint the people who have always supported me and believed in me. I would not be where I am today without the people in my life and my own strong will and self-determination.

I think I missed where I was going with this at a certain point but.

Penultimate chapter that is…………

I have waited. Hoped. Wanted. A reconciliation! For him to try, one more time. Give it his all, for him to know that I care! But today, I don’t. I don’t want him anymore. I might need him or not even but I do not want him anymore. I admired a lot of things about him. He never did curse*maybe I ignorantly thought that but today, he did and the faults I could never see before, I saw. This part of him, cursing openly, he isn’t the person I thought he was. And me. I give it up, I gave it all I got but it didn’t quite cut it and I will only ever sigh a sigh of relief from this point on.
I am happy I knew him, and a love that I didn’t know I had in me. Admittedly, I am not quite sure what I’ve got to do here without thoughts of him fueling my mind, incentivizing me. But I would most certainly let this blog and my diary come to an abrupt stop, it is either that or I wallow in the pain of it all. I can only endure a certain amount of pain from one person, this–this has crossed that line–crossed it? It has obliterated the line. I cannot take any more–I have hope, sooner or later, he is going to have to stop deluding himself–thinking he won’t get that emotional breakdown he just cannot afford–and when it hits him–I’ll be anything but in love with him. I cannot hope to move past my feelings for him when all I do is make their presence known to myself everyday.
He might take pleasure in the pain he is feeling as justification for what he’s done to us, but I have not run from my pain–the pain that has shredded the whole of my heart–heart! How particularly irrational that sounds–I would do be dead if that were the case–but I have felt it–tearing through me–I often wondered how something so abstract could hurt so much–and even though I haven’t gotten a satisfactory answer yet. Over the last couple of weeks, when I never got that text or call, I stopped feeling like I needed him so much–wont be long now–and when the last thought of him comes and goes–and stays gone–He won’t matter anymore–I mean, of course he will, just–just not to me.