Friendship

There are many valuable things in life, and friendship may be one of the most valuable. To live life without the experience of friendship, is not living. Human interaction is a necessity to survival, but developed friendships are essential to my successful well being. A person I know, like and trust. That is who I’d call a friend. I wouldn’t refer to my neighbor as my friend just because I do the polite thing and am courteous. But to most, Friendship has no defined terminology.

The definition of a friend, and friendship, is based upon their own notions…… People often forget the importance of being loyal to a friend. They forget how crucial it is to show a friend they care and take them for granted. I want long and beautiful platonic relationships, I try to stick it out with my friends, even when things are hard but I have discovered that the second it gets tough–they bail. But a good friend will be loyal and will be around even on the darkest of days.

Being a good friend does mean being there only when things are all good,light and fun. It counts even more when you are there when things are rough–broken. The theme of personal relationship is broad and complex–mostly and from the two attributes it derives its power and meaning. The close connection between people emanates from bonds and interactions that grow gradually and develop to mutual experiences.

It is not absolutely static. It changes with change of behavior, the situation at hand and eventually evolves. Personal relationships are highly dynamic, and for people to enjoy the benefits, they must be ready to make sacrifices, employ a few skills to keep the fire burning, gather information, practice to do what a particular relationship demands–offer, give and get unconditional and unrelenting support.

I don’t remember my first friend–not quite sure anymore. I don’t remember his or her name. I don’t remember how we became friends. Perhaps it was a childhood friend, or the kid sitting next to me in school. Maybe it was my cousin, or my cousin’s neighbor. Maybe it was someone I met in church. Perhaps it was a teacher. Or maybe it was my brother, my sister, my half brother . Regardless of how I met my very first friend, I hadn’t thought I would ever forget him or her. But I have grown and I have found only a few things more important to the growth of my well-being than friendships. My friendships, the heartbreak of having to lose them, and comparing that to the way I value friendships–A friendship like the one with my ex best friend.

In the time it takes you to read this sentence thousands of pieces of contents will be shared on Facebook. A few thousand people will tweet, hundreds of thousands more will likean Instagram photo…and that’s if you read very quickly. In this age, the Internet is used for everything from socialization to education.

For these purposes the Internet has many advantages;anyone with a computer with Internet access can find that information, and anyone with a connection can add to that information, which makes the Internet the collected knowledge of millions of people and so everybody meets someone new everyday. Friends are important sources of companionship and recreations,share advice and valued possessions, serve as trusted confidants and critics, act as loyal allies, and provide stability in times of stress or transition.

Even in the beginning, when man was first created and put in the Garden of Eden to work the ground, there was a need for friendship and companionship….

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Trust and loyalty

Friendship is a necessary aspect of my life, as I am not self sufficient. Despite its necessity, in some cases I am either forced or morally required to end relationships. When the trust between two friends has been broken, the loyalty of the friendship is soiled, and it is therefore a true and just action to end the friendship. Friends can be described as;an intimate associate, someone reliable–someone other than a family member, spouse or lover whose company one enjoys and towards whom one feels affection.

After considering the definition of a friend, it should be asserted that friends should not betray one another, regardless of the circumstance. Trust is an issue that every platonic friendship has to deal with. Whether dealing with matters of trust as active or passive, its power is still a prevalent and pertinent quality that is mutually understood. I–To me, Trust is an unwritten rule between friends and a firm belief or confidence in the honesty, integrity and of reliability of the other person.

Isn’t it that Trust is also described as “faith”. When using a word such as faith that describes a substantial belief in one another, it is very difficult to argue that breaking the trust of the friendship is ever in the best interest of the friend. Friends are loyal and faithful to each other’s ideals and are under obligation to defend, support and remain true to each other. Idealism–controversies are what I would expect from acquaintances as they do not–share my ideals.

Loyalty can be seen as the pinnacle of the friendship. Or at the opposite end of spectrum loyalty may not be taken seriously at all. For example, I am loyal to kit–my teddy, having conversations with him and, treating him as if he were an actual being but in the case of a serious house fire I would not go running back in to rescue it. Granted there are also many stages in-between, total loyalty and minimal loyalty, but the integrity of the friendship is based around these two principles, loyalty and trust.
It is possible to begin again and re-mend the gash in relationships after trust has been broken in order to continue a normal healthy relationship, but regardless of the amount of work put into setting things right, there will always be the issue of broken trust sitting in the back of My mind.

A friendship or relationship that‘s breached by a disregard for the trust established is never the same again as a result of the knowledge that the loyalty meant nothing or very little to the other person. This blatant disregard for me and my feelings is reason enough to end the friendship or relationship. If someone is willing to compromise my feelings and my trust, I would rethink–to be sure if it’s worth the pain that they have already put me through to rebuild that relationship just so that they may do the same thing again? If I really do believe in the definitions of loyalty and trust the answer is a definite NO!

Rape

I saw a picture today, of the dress I wore that day– Is anyone really a stranger to nightmares? Can’t I wake up and not be in a feverish sweat with a racing pulse or pounding heart? Eyes always wildly searching my room for the phantoms of a dream? And the familiar consolation of learning it was all in my head just never comes? How do I wake up from a nightmare that is, in fact, a reality? I think I’m getting ahead of myself. I am 18 years old, far too young to think I know everything. I don’t pretend to be an expert on rape. Having known the feel of a drug I didn’t even know drowsing Me gave me no superior understanding of the crime, only a bitter taste and the memory of it to remember it by.

Few days after that incident–I had been suffering from insomnia and depression and I didn’t tell my parents. My distrust, I have worn on my sleeves. Maybe my hard headedness made me a target, I really do not know. After my first love was broken up with absolutely no hope of coming back together, I didn’t care what happened to me.

I cried myself to sleep night after night, sobbing silently as to my parents–I couldn’t tell I was hurting over a boy. My face was swollen and when it was reflected in the mirror–so alien I couldn’t bear to attach myself to it. I thought I needed distractions, a boy possibly to get my mind off of him . One after the other they came and left, as abruptly as the relationship started, it ended the same way. Until he–he probably wasn’t going to let me get away with being insubordinate….

My desperation to forget, to move on from a love that I had given everything to got me more pain. All I had to do was let it go when the time was right, not force it out. If I hadn’t broken up with the love of my life–or gotten in those shallow relationships–If I had gone to church–maybe. I have a support structure that protects me from myself, from sinking into the abyss of suicidal thoughts that had occasionally risen up.

My family gave me a reason, a place of power and control over my trauma and without knowing about it even. In the last year I have come to understand why I’m so distrustful and secretive and also that that has damaged my heart, in a way nobody else can see–it’s a kind of scar that I carry.

When I was 14–a similar incident had almost happened, but I got lucky and it didn’t. In no way did nearly getting raped affect me–I was naive and I didn’t let that hinder me from trusting just about anybody but actually being raped. It’s one thing to think I was gonna be defiled, it’s another to know I have been.

Till today, I haven’t–I guess I haven’t dealt with it, I pushed it down and I couldn’t let it break me so I kept pushing it down, I mean I don’t know. I don’t really talk about it, I could talk about had with Annabel but since I told her, I can’t bring it up again, she’d listen of course but it’s not something I know how to share. To a point, I actually deluded myself into thinking it didn’t happen, that it wasn’t real but it was.

27hours more and It’ll be a year –and it’s still raw. I still can’t find it in me to be horrified by what I had for a split second thought to do–hurt myself. At that moment it was the only thing that made sense. I’ve learned how treatable depression is, if you can find the right friends and company. I’ve learned how much there is to live for, how much of the pain that comes from depression and sexual assault and all of it can heal. I love my life. I am grateful for it.

If I can shine a spotlight on it for everyone who’s ever wanted to die, I will–because it’s beautiful and amazing. And I want anyone who might be suicidal to know how much better life can be. Emotional pain is real, and no matter how much it feels like it can’t end, it can. It can get better. It does get better. Life gets better. And I got better with it.

Looking back now I have learnt a very important lesson; Always demand respect from the people I choose to surround myself with and Never feel like I have to do anything sexual that I’m not comfortable with. It’s my body, and I get to decide what happens to it – no matter what situation I am in. Self-respect is so important, and this uh–experience helped me gain so much more.

Never feel pressured to have sex, whether you’ve done it before or not. Establish boundaries and require that they be respected. If something doesn’t feel right, listen to your gut and say no.

Photography


Photography defined as *drawing with light* in Greek is a science to most people to me, it is an art which creates durable and unique images by capturing the moment with recording lights.

Over the centuries, people have preserved the memories of man and nature around him with photography. Despite the arguments that have been made about photography reflecting the true nature of a being which end up pushing us away from it, “photography is just an art where an artist puts his thoughts onto a canvas”.
Photography may not be the truth or show the truth about a situation but it is how the artist sees the world. Photography is an art and the essence of art is surprise. I have come to realize that the true meaning of beauty, is in the unawareness and pureness of the moment whenever I take a picture of something or somebody at the least expected time.

Most of the people I know think of photography as a fun fact, they don’t see the life in them. photography is fun and wild and that is all people think of it.
To experience first hand the power to capture a photograph of a beautiful beach without all the litter present behind the camera. Having the ability to make my audience admire the beauty of the beach without them ever knowing the reality of the beach. Having the power to instill a belief that even the saddest of photographs is filled with beauty, to show the serenity in the roughest of photographs is the work of a true artist.
As a photographer, you ask yourself “do I manipulate my pictures? “, sometimes it comes under another aspect “do I change the colors? ” or straight to the point “is this real?”. Some percentage of the public believes that fine art photographs do not represent reality.
There is no easy way to conclude this, as a photographer it matters how you present your work to your audience and how you sell it to them. Questions will rise up as they always do and you have to be prepared with your answers.

Zen Self love

I logged out of my Instagram today and plan on limiting my activity on it. Logging out of social media meant me logging out of everyone else’s life. I was starting to compare my life to others and comparing how I look to other girls.

Social media isn’t the only way that I can put Myself down, also my own personal obstacles. In between all of this, I have become overwhelmed and started to limit myself . I know I do!.

I hold myself to high standards and knowing that I was comparing myself to other people made me feel less beautiful. It made me less confident and it led me down the road of self-destruction.

My mind was filled with what I could do and be rather than what I am doing now. I turned on love myself by hailee steinfeld and started singing and dancing and all that I was worried about was gone.

My mind became clear. Nothing in this life will be easy, I will cry, laugh, scream and be silent. What I do to get over that wall is what will define me. There’s more than one way over a wall! I cannot keep forgetting that, I’ll Remember that! I learn after my hard times what it means to love myself whole heartedly and how important it is to look in the mirror and say to myself , “I am beautiful”.

Thinking positive thoughts enhances self-love and confidence. See how I was comparing myself to—those thoughts resulted in me feeling less confident. I put down the phone and did things that made me feel beautiful and competent.

Thinking positive is not easy! With everything me as a girl go through already, positive thinking takes a lot of discipline. My body regenerates itself with new cells creating new thinking and new habits.

So I’m Practicing positive thinking and doing things that make me feel like I am enough. If I think I can change the world, I probably will be the one to do it. Even though it’s hard, I have to put social media to rest and appreciate what’s here, right now, in front of me.

There’s nothing better than maturing and knowing that I am enough. All that I have is what the Creator gave me . Nothing more and nothing less. I am what the creator made me to be and that’s perfection.

I am no mistake and the mistakes that I do make, will help me become the person I am meant to become. This is all I got to Think of when I hit a wall, I’m exactly–where I’m supposed to be.

That helps me not stress myself with where I am in life. Instead of me encouraging myself to be and act what I see on reality shows and TV series, I should be encouraging myself to love what I see first. Then love what I do and carry myself with dignity and know that no one can take that away from me.

Trust yourself and work hard. Life gives no promises; all that the universe recognizes is your energy. You give out good energy, you will be given exactly what you give out.

I still need you

Apologizing is an art form few of us seem to master. We don’t want to admit our mistakes because we think that making mistakes reflects badly on our character. But the truth is, not apologizing, or making a feeble non-apology, is often worse. Friends mean a lot to everyone –they give value to relationships. Any relationship grows if there is mutual understanding and sense of responsibility. It is quite natural to commit mistakes but how to overcome the sense of guilt and request the other person to pardon me is most important. I feel I owe him an apology for my insensitive comments that night and cause he had to suffer from my callousness as I spoke so sharply to him on the phone.

It’s been exactly 73hours 43mins 6secs since we last spoke, not that I was counting. And I been trying, to understand that I really hurt him, and I don’t know how to take it back. I would understand if he has had enough of me–to last an actual lifetime but then–but then nothing. I don’t have any expectations, only that if he could let go of his anger he would see how very sorry I am for the pain I caused and the hurtful, spiteful things I said. When he said I lied, I–something snapped in my head cause, a liar–that is the one thing I don’t want to be–it’s the one thing I’m not and when he said it–it felt like he was trying to take the one constant thing I had away from me and so I panicked–and mixed feelings stirred up–for a split second, I didn’t want to work things out with him–and by the time I was out of my own head, it was too late. And surely, I could have stopped, but then I didn’t cause the damage was already done–what really, actually did it was his statement. I regret the things I said, the profanity of my words and the flatness of my voice when I told him to hang up. I do hope he forgives me, what I am not hoping for is a reconciliation–now . I can count how many people that I have hurt in my life! With things I say and mostly, the things I don’t say but Paul more than anybody else. I cannot begin to imagine how much pain I put him through and what I am now trying to pull him out of–what I felt–how I felt about being called a liar–that did hurt, a lot–but nowhere near what I’ve done to him. Asking him to forgive me wouldn’t be anything but irrational and selfish. It seems the more I want to be his friend–the more I’ll hurt him. I am saying the sorry to him, as it is the last thing I have to say to him. I do hope–he can get over this one last damage I have caused.

Missing part of my soul

I felt I could talk to him as I never could with anyone, as we didn’t just talk gossip or plans. I was always interested to know what he thought about things. He never did bore me.

I hadn’t thought. That was the trouble. I didn’t think. I just recklessly assumed. With the arrogance and stupidity of teens, and so I still find it hard at times to come to terms with the speed with which my life has changed so dramatically.

And all because of one thing. The one thing that is…

…why on earth can’t I stop thinking about him? Why am I driven by this self-destructive urge to link everything I’m doing with him?

why do I, to think…To want…to imagine. Okay, the sheer inappropriateness of my unwelcomed thoughts is simply appalling.

Last night, I felt myself tensing. Outwardly and inwardly, as though I was trying to lock out my thoughts and feelings–and not just lock them out, but to sqeeze the very life out of them as well. Because I am afraid of their continual existence. For centuries, out of ignorance and prejudice, man had sought to control what it feared by destroying it.

Am I doing the same? Am I really afraid of the effect he is having on me? Then why am I so reluctant to accept the fact that he doesn’t want me or love me. If I am so scared, our separation should make me feel anything but qualm and regret.

But What was the point doing it? Emailing him?. It was over between us, whatever it was. So over that there hadn’t been a single night when I had not fallen asleep thinking of him, nor a single day that hadn’t been shadowed by my bitter and dazed pain? Just how over was that?

I was trying really hard not to read his messages, I didn’t even know when I unarchived it but I had and like pandora with the lid of the box lifted, I was unable to control my own curiosity to see what lay inside. Intellectual stimulation–What we shared, not love, not tenderness and most certainly not the kind of almost spiritual bond I had stupidly deluded myself into thinking we had.

Love is, or should be, two halves of one whole. I know my own half for what it is, but only he knows his. I had thought, mistakenly perhaps that his half matched mine in its absoluteness and constancy, because meeting him, has had a profound effect on me in more ways than one.

I have no idea what he is thinking and/or planning to do. And even less why I should be like this–trusting and hoping and something that comes perilously close to the love I had spent the last few months furiously denying existed.

“It isn’t as simple as that”, “I will find a way, I’m determined, I promise”.My heart missed a heavy beat as it clung desperately to the fragile hope of his words. I ached with a longing to be able to believe him, but I wasn’t going to let myself give in to that weakness.

Not a third time.”He might be manipulating your vulnerable emotions” I thought warily, because my sanity is all I have left. What am I gonna do, cause I tried to confront him, a ‘please choose your words carefully’ I got.

The shock of his concise answer slicing through me, snapping the chain with which I had been leashing my emotions. I could hardly think or reason logically for the pain that swamped me, what a fool I had been—to believe his lies about falling and being in love with me.

When I had told him that I spent about an hour thinking bout what I could have possibly done wrong for him to do what he was doing he called me a liar and nausea gripped my stomach, and a pain like none I had ever previously known tore at me, to escape from my own pain and his distrust, desperately trying to tell myself it couldn’t hurt that bad, it didn’t matter that much but it did and even more so than I had originally thunk, I gave up. Or atleast, I thought I had.