Dear Diary

Writing a diary is something that a lot of people do,and in many some cases, given up on.

Bottling up emotions and feelings is unhealthy both emotionally and psychologically and the only way to deal is to just let them out so that I can deal with them and move on(PS talking to people about my state of mind isn’t an option–for me).

Techniques recommended by psychologists often include things like the empty chair technique where you imagine a chair has someone on it and then tell them your problems and how you feel (movie reference).

So I feel using a diary, I do that myself on a regular basis and thus ensure that I ain’t bottling things up which might ultimately come out in damaging ways.

A diary can be your very best listening and loyal friend. Keeping and writing a diary is one of the most important things in my life. I am the biggest fan keeping an actual diary.
Diary writing is considered to be a very personal form of writing. It gives you pleasure and let’s you feel, when you write. Now I am doing it every day. I like to write and memories are too important.

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First impressions

Everybody is different, but when it comes down to it, first impressions are really based off of whether you’re shy or not.

They say that you should never judge a book by its cover–regarding people,it’s especially true. In this case, the cover doesn’t necessarily
mean the appearance, but the first impression of another person. Like the cover of a book, first impressions are not always as appealing as what
is really on the book or who the person is . It’s really until after you start reading, or get to know a person–that you find out that what you see is not always what you get. There are several factors that can affect the first impression that one receives from another like differing personality, situations and presentation of a person make first impressions often the worst means of judging people. A person’s personality has a big effect on the first impression that they emit.

I met my best friend(ex) after moving during my senior year. Before I knew her, she never said a word to me but was really an outgoing girl. I received the impression that she was kind of supercilious as I always really just kept to myself. I didn‘t talk to many people either because of my personality. I knew that I was a shy person and that after I get to know someone, I put down my front and show my true colors. When she started talking to me a little more each day in our last term in school, our friendship grew and I learned that she wasn’t odd at all–only I thought so because she was more openingly outgoing than I was. Some people are shy and put up a reserved and quiet front when facing new people. Based on my first impression of my friend, I thought something that was far from the truth. One who has a shy personality might in reality be outgoing, but uncomfortable showing it at first, making the first impression of that person a mistaken one.

Your first impression of someone is not suitable because you do not know of the situation they may be in. When seeing or meeting someone new,you have no idea the kind of day, difficulties or kind of disappointments that person may be experiencing. They may have had a rough morning or could be somewhere new and yet still have to deal with the routines and stresses of going through out their day. All of these situations can create a
barrier between themselves and others, and setting off a good impression is probably not at the top of their list of important things to do.

On my first day in a new school , I walked hurriedly to my class, even though I had plenty time to get there. When I walked into my class, the only thing on my mind was to find a seat right away, didn’t matter if it was by another person or not. When the time came to eat lunch, I sat by myself and ate it quickly so I could proceed to my next class. I was a nervous wreck because I was somewhere new. I was so worried about being late for a class, finding a seat and just doing things right, that I
didn’t have time to try to leave any good first impressions on any of my peers. It wasn’t even on my mind to do so. My peers received the impression that I was a nervous and not sociable person(that’d be an accurate impression of me now) when really I was acting the way I was because of the situation that I was in. The way someone presents themselves doesn’t always suit their personality and show who they are. Unfortunately one’s presentation is the first thing that others see, and the first thing that people are judged on. Some people look and dress a certain way either because they want to, or because they have to, based on their financial situation or to fulfill some type of status.

There are many factors that lead to someone’s first impression of another(sorry bout the cliché). Someone’s personality, current situation, or the way they happen to present themselves all influence the way someone thinks about a another when seeing or meeting them for the first time. Since what they think is based off of these judgments, their first impression is usually wrong. If all friendships were based upon first impressions, there would be a lot less of them in the world. First impressions are often the worst means of judging a person because you are better equipped to judge a person only after you get to really know a person–to understand what kind person they truly are, and really know the individual based on real values, rather than
their first impression or Book cover.

The cover we wear– our clothing, appearance or behaviour, can often misrepresent what actually lies between our pages. Tread cautiously.

Girl power

I have the power to conquer the world, destroy it and recreate it. I am the creator of all the feelings known to man(no pun intended).

I am the happiness and the sadness. The love and the lust. I am the one who can turn a house into home and hell into heaven– bad into good. I have the power to organize–to change and lead the world. I can run the most complex Nation, mesmerize just about anyone with my beauty, I can go beyond what you’d imagine and show the world how to play.

I have the power to give birth to another human. I am the one who despite getting criticized for doing something the male would do and be applauded have the will-power to keep my journey on. You say one can never understand a woman, I say never dare to do so because it will either get you crazy or in Love (with me).

I am as complex as I am simple. I have a heart that can store countless secrets; I can cry all night and still say good morning with a smile. Sometimes I intentionally do stupid things, just because I find you too busy to pay me attention.

Unfiltered humor

I believe in sarcasm and in humor as dry as unmoisturized skin — in wit so biting that you can practically see the puncture wound(s). Perhaps it’s the way the words are strewn together so effortlessly with a maintained derogatory tone. Or possibly it’s the compliments laced with the perfect amount of sass, leaving the complimented wondering what truly just happened.

With a world so full of negativity — sarcasm is essential. Subtle wordplay gets me pretty far and quickly allows me to differentiate between the average and the clever, sometimes cynical. Sarcasm challenges me to think quickly on my feet.

Sure, it’d be easy to retort a meaningless comment in conversation–but with sarcasm, I have to think — to think of a clever joke with multiple meanings and decide how surreptitious it can be for the person I’m talking to to still understand — all in the time I could just say something typical and blindly follow the rules society has set for a normal conversation.

Seeing the stunned facial expressions of those who just don’t quite get it is true hilarity — so the person I’m talking to is either rolling their eyes or laughing along hysterically. The wide range of emotions I feel on a daily basis in response to my way of communicating is reason enough to continue being sarcastic. Sarcasm let’s me say what I mean, but in a way that lets people think I’m joking.

I don’t want to be known as the rude girl who steps on everyone’s feelings, however, sometimes it’s just one of those days and if someone’s voice is droning on and on, I may have to unleash my wrath. I can get away with this harshness because people think it’s funny and untrue. But in actuality, I mean every word that I say.

Sarcasm has come to define me. Smart people know not to ask me stupid questions because they’ll receive sarcastic responses that will have them regretting ever opening their mouth. The laughter and shock I commonly see helps me to quickly decide who I’m most compatible with. I know what humor truly means to me. I love it cause of its shock factor.

Pure Bliss

Fifteen months ago I read a book. And only recently had I come to understand a quote I had subconsciously embedded in my mind, that’s been a very defining factor in my life. “Your second love is your actual first love”. At the point I had thought it was the “most amazing quote of the year”, because I was hurt and completely broken and all I had was a delusion to keep me going. A facade I had immersed into my heart about the perfect second and last love.

My first real relationship ended and it felt like my whole world had been turned upside down. It was the first time I’d fallen in love. At the time I was happy and everything seemed to be going in the right direction, but suddenly it was over and I was left all alone.Right then everything seemed to go wrong, but there is actually something amazing waiting for me–definitely, I thought. My second love will be my real first love. It sounded crazy, but here’s why I thought it to be the honest truth.

In that moment I was in what felt like complete heartbreak. Honestly, I’m not sure what to call it, because it felt like someone had physically ripped out my heart and left an empty space there. Every time someone said his name, it felt like I’d been stabbed right in the lungs because it became so hard to breathe. And At night I’d cry. I Cried a lot, but it was okay. It’s all a process of letting go and moving on. Gradually I’d stop listening to all the songs that made me sad, and I wouldn’t think about him as much. And before I know it,I’d be at one of the places we always went, and I wouldn’t even realize I hadn’t thought about him at all.

At a point down that road, I’d meet someone new and it’d be fun, and I’d be happy. Surely–as things start to get serious, all the memories of how I’d been broken the first time would definitely come rushing back and I’d get scared. I will push them away and give myself a million reasons why it would never work out because I simply couldn’t stand the thought of being hurt again. I’d remember the pain and build my walls up. But ever so swiftly, brick by brick, that wall would come down.

And then, I’d spend more and more time with that special someone, and my heart would start to feel whole again. Suddenly, I won’t be able to imagine a day going by that I don’t talk to him. Oh and his smile,that smile, it’d get me every time. Then one morning I’d wake up and roll over to him fast asleep and feel so happy that my heart could burst. And before I’d be able to comprehend it–a single thought will come to mind, “God! I love this guy.” And then the feeling won’t scare me one bit.

And it wouldn’t be the same butterfly feeling I had with my first relationship, it’d warm and comforting. It’d be different because it would be my real love. Because real love would make it through all the hurt and heartache. I’d struggle and resist but he’d fight for me. It’d be real love because I would know that he felt the exact same way for me without ever having to ask.

Then I met someone. There was something about him and the way he’d laugh, I just couldn’t get him off my mind. I Was filled with this fluttering feeling I’d heard of in songs and seen in movies. I wanted to spend every free minute I had with him because I’d never felt so understood. One day he said he loved me and my world exploded with possibilities.

Maybe we’d be the couple that traveled together. We’d take a trip to a secluded island and spend nights sipping on delicately soft wine, exploring new places. Maybe we’d be the couple that stayed in all the time–ready for weekend long movie marathons cozied up under thick blankets. Maybe we’d be the couple that argued playfully, making jokes at the other’s expense but always with love.

All I knew for sure was that we’d be together. I found my true love and I was never letting him go. Until something shifted. I never saw it coming–Maybe it was me or maybe it was him but I felt it. The air had been sucked out of the room. Everything spun and I couldn’t catch my balance. I knew that I would never recover from that kind of pain. I was certain that I would never heal from that amount of hurt. I woke up everyday feeling like I was stuck in a fog.

The last thought on my mind before I fell asleep has eveything to do with the misery I have been in for months.

But I have hope, That maybe that fluttering feeling, unbelievably just might be back. I’d be skeptical. Of course I’d be. I’d be nervous beyond belief, but I’d notice the way my smile would be so genuine around him. My breath would quicken when he’d inch closer. The connection between us would be effortless and comforting.

Like I said, it was a delusion. My second love, was spectacular but it wasn’t what I had dreamed up. It’s gone.

Fear

I’ve always hated the dark — I dont know why I don’t like being in dark rooms especially small and completely dark rooms cause then, not only am I nyctophobic, I also get claustrophobic. Being in a dark room always results in me panicking.

I’d feel insecure — I still feel insecure because I can’t see anything,and because of that there’s always a sensation of detachment from reality. It feels like something might attack me, whether it is a ghost,an animal, or even a person and for me to even think of Ghosts being real, it felt like I was going to lose my mind — and it kept me wondering what kind of feeling this was(is) .

I know now that it is known as Nyctophobia. Nyctophobia means a fear of night or darkness and it is also known as Scotophobia. It is an extreme and irrational anxiety filled response to darkness even in places where I know I’m safe.

It’s present when you are frightened beyond more than the circumstances or object would cause, and for these circumstances, there may be absolutely no reason whatsoever for you to be afraid, like in your bedroom.

Nyctophobia is limiting at best, disabling at worst. I’ve experienced breathlessness, nausea, excessive sweating, dry mouth, vertigo , shaking , heart palpitations, Inability to think clearly, fear of getting hurt, getting in a fit and losing control, full blown anxiety attack, dizziness , accelerated heart rate — all the way to severe chest pains and full-on panic attacks.

It could be because I have been experiencing inner conflicts that are difficult to find solutions to, So to help me release some of those pent up feelings, I externalize them on the darkness — but my inner conflicts are a tad bit recent and I’ve been scared of the dark since I can’t remember when.

Houdini

Ghosting;Done by many, enjoyed by no one.

You meet a boy, spend all day and night texting for months and then almost out of nowhere…he disappears– like a ghost. You’re left wondering what happened to make him pull a Houdini. Did he find someone else? Did he get back with his ex? Did you say something wrong? Maybe he’s just not interested anymore.

One day you can think everything is going well and you’re about ready to finally introduce the person you’re seeing to your friends, then suddenly they’re gone. There’s no goodbye, no explanation, or even the weak “It’s not you– it’s me” line; they just vanish and in most cases there’s nothing you can do about it. Technology is actually really helping to make ghosting more common. You might think that having access to a dozen ways to easily contact someone would make ghosting harder to do, but it really isn’t.

But, why?! And how can you remain calm, cool,and collected despite the whirlwind of emotions–mainly anger you’re experiencing?
Since manners and etiquette are dying at an epic rate in our society, meaning there’s a good chance you’ll probably be ghosted at least once in your life, you might as well prepare now. I been trying to analyze ways to react when being ghosted and here goes;

First, you can just accept the fact that a lot of guys and girls are assholes.

Next up, put your phone down! Stop looking at his Instagram every 5 minutes to see if he’s been having fun without you. If he wants to talk to you, he will. There’s no need to hit him up trying to be the chill girl acting like everything’s fine. Leave him alone, because he left you alone and he doesn’t deserve you. He’ll come back though–eventually, because ghosts always come back to haunt you. That doesn’t give you the green light to be all trusting–seriously if he’s ghosted you once,he’ll do it again. But if you lose your will power, remember to detach yourself emotionally and just play it cool.

You’ve put in a solid effort to reach out and if this person has decided to ignore your messages then you should just let it be. You played your part and it’s their fault for not replying, remember that. Don’t continue messaging; nothing good will come from it and you will just go down a shame spiral of nonsensical messages to varying degrees of frustration and anger. Just nip it in the bud and walk away before you end up sending a dreaded 3am Email declaring your feelings. It will sting more than losing your cat–or whatever.

No matter how much you thought you knew this person–here’s another important Fact–with a capital F;this person is unreliable. You want to be
in a relationship with someone who can handle confrontation and be able
to talk through problems, not run away and avoid things. Heck, you don’t want that in a friend. You don’t want that behavior around you,period. You definitely dodged a bullet losing someone that ghosts you.

You need to know that you did your best to make things work and communicate and they didn’t. Therefore it’s their fault for not reciprocating. You are allowed to feel mad about this because according to the rules of human decency, people should be able to communicate with the power of language and words.. Don’t sit around and beat yourself up over little things you might have said or done because at the end of the day, you may never get an answer and they failed you by not complying with communication. Don’t let a ghost put unnecessary weight on your shoulders.

This is the hardest one to do, because I know you want to drown them in hate texts, angry emails but don’t do it. As much as it may be difficult, you want to take the high road as much as you can. You don’t want to ever give them a reason to think that them ghosting you was a good idea.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to laugh at all this, once the shock, anger, and hurt subsides, of course. Anyone who thinks ghosting is the best way to deal or rather not deal with ending a relationship is not worth you putting yourself through agonizing pain– So go ahead and have yourself a giggle, a laugh, or a delightfully wicked cackle. If this were a competition, you would have won, and winners always get the last laugh.