Fifteen months ago I read a book. And only recently had I come to understand a quote I had subconsciously embedded in my mind, that’s been a very defining factor in my life. “Your second love is your actual first love”. At the point I had thought it was the “most amazing quote of the year”, because I was hurt and completely broken and all I had was a delusion to keep me going. A facade I had immersed into my heart about the perfect second and last love.
My first real relationship ended and it felt like my whole world had been turned upside down. It was the first time I’d fallen in love. At the time I was happy and everything seemed to be going in the right direction, but suddenly it was over and I was left all alone.Right then everything seemed to go wrong, but there is actually something amazing waiting for me–definitely, I thought. My second love will be my real first love. It sounded crazy, but here’s why I thought it to be the honest truth.
In that moment I was in what felt like complete heartbreak. Honestly, I’m not sure what to call it, because it felt like someone had physically ripped out my heart and left an empty space there. Every time someone said his name, it felt like I’d been stabbed right in the lungs because it became so hard to breathe. And At night I’d cry. I Cried a lot, but it was okay. It’s all a process of letting go and moving on. Gradually I’d stop listening to all the songs that made me sad, and I wouldn’t think about him as much. And before I know it,I’d be at one of the places we always went, and I wouldn’t even realize I hadn’t thought about him at all.
At a point down that road, I’d meet someone new and it’d be fun, and I’d be happy. Surely–as things start to get serious, all the memories of how I’d been broken the first time would definitely come rushing back and I’d get scared. I will push them away and give myself a million reasons why it would never work out because I simply couldn’t stand the thought of being hurt again. I’d remember the pain and build my walls up. But ever so swiftly, brick by brick, that wall would come down.
And then, I’d spend more and more time with that special someone, and my heart would start to feel whole again. Suddenly, I won’t be able to imagine a day going by that I don’t talk to him. Oh and his smile,that smile, it’d get me every time. Then one morning I’d wake up and roll over to him fast asleep and feel so happy that my heart could burst. And before I’d be able to comprehend it–a single thought will come to mind, “God! I love this guy.” And then the feeling won’t scare me one bit.
And it wouldn’t be the same butterfly feeling I had with my first relationship, it’d warm and comforting. It’d be different because it would be my real love. Because real love would make it through all the hurt and heartache. I’d struggle and resist but he’d fight for me. It’d be real love because I would know that he felt the exact same way for me without ever having to ask.
Then I met someone. There was something about him and the way he’d laugh, I just couldn’t get him off my mind. I Was filled with this fluttering feeling I’d heard of in songs and seen in movies. I wanted to spend every free minute I had with him because I’d never felt so understood. One day he said he loved me and my world exploded with possibilities.
Maybe we’d be the couple that traveled together. We’d take a trip to a secluded island and spend nights sipping on delicately soft wine, exploring new places. Maybe we’d be the couple that stayed in all the time–ready for weekend long movie marathons cozied up under thick blankets. Maybe we’d be the couple that argued playfully, making jokes at the other’s expense but always with love.
All I knew for sure was that we’d be together. I found my true love and I was never letting him go. Until something shifted. I never saw it coming–Maybe it was me or maybe it was him but I felt it. The air had been sucked out of the room. Everything spun and I couldn’t catch my balance. I knew that I would never recover from that kind of pain. I was certain that I would never heal from that amount of hurt. I woke up everyday feeling like I was stuck in a fog.
The last thought on my mind before I fell asleep has eveything to do with the misery I have been in for months.
But I have hope, That maybe that fluttering feeling, unbelievably just might be back. I’d be skeptical. Of course I’d be. I’d be nervous beyond belief, but I’d notice the way my smile would be so genuine around him. My breath would quicken when he’d inch closer. The connection between us would be effortless and comforting.
Like I said, it was a delusion. My second love, was spectacular but it wasn’t what I had dreamed up. It’s gone.